This I believe

FIRST DRAFT

True Achievement

18 years. When many people hear this amount of time they think of growing up. To any regular American, 18 years marks the amount of time that it takes a child to fully become an “adult”. They think of freedom, of finally being on their own and independent. Coincidentally, when I hear 18 years I also think of freedom; but I’m not talking about growing up, I’m talking about literal freedom. It was 18 years ago that my family moved from Haiti to the United States, and although I was only three when it happened, it has impacted me just the same. 

Growing up, I have seen my parents struggle to make a life for themselves in a country that was, at first, completely foreign to them. We came to America with no money, no clothes, no family, and no prospects. To me, it was an adventure; I was so young that I did not comprehend what was really happening. To my parents however, it was a battle. Here they were beginning a new life with absolutely no clue where to start. They did not speak the language and were completely alone, but they did not let this stop them. They come into this country with a mindset that they still carry with them today: if you work hard, you will succeed. I have seen this motto of theirs play out time and time again growing up. When we first got here, it was incredibly difficult. Both my parents worked two jobs and went to school- my mom working at two different McDonald’s and my dad as a factory worker and janitor. They were, simultaneously, going to school to study nursing and learning English.

Because I was just a child when all this was going on, I never understood why my parents were never home. I remember one night distinctly I was so torn up by it all that I spent hours laying on their bed, crying, wishing they would just stay home. But they never did. Every day, endlessly, they would be up at the crack of dawn and home at midnight. Although their bodies were worn down, beaten down, and needing sleep, they kept reminding themselves (and us) of one thing: if you work hard, you will succeed. As the years went by and I started to become a pre-teen, I became increasingly angry. The hurt I felt towards my parents for what I saw as abandonment began to turn into bitterness. I would lash out and rebel, anything to get their attention. I refused to talk to them and tried to make their lives even harder than it already was, something that I would come to regret later. But even this did not stop my parents, not for a second. They simply looked at my behavior as a speed bump to a victorious life. 

Finally, as I became a teenager I noticed a change in my parents. They were working less, smiling more, and spending more money. They had done it. 10 years after coming to America they were finally at a place of peace. They had their nursing degrees, steady jobs, and a house of their own. To them, they had truly achieved the American dream; but now, it was time for them to turn their focus on us. They made sure to constantly remind us of everything they went through to get to where they are life. They made sure to constantly remind us: if you work hard, you will succeed. 

This is why I believe in hard work. If you set your mind to a goal and work towards it endlessly, no one can tell you you can’t.  No one can tell you no. I have seen my parents achieve something that seems impossible to most people. I have seen them persevere through everything in order to come out victors; and now, I am seeing myself follow in their footsteps. When I see my future, I don’t see any boundaries, and I especially don’t see any challenge that I cannot overcome. When I see my future I smile as I think of one thing: if I work hard, I will succeed. 

PEER REVIEWS

1. I believe that you do have a very good topic here and a very moving story that will keep people reading. I see how you relate 18 in the opening but maybe try to incorporate it in the closing. Tie the work hard to succeed back to 18 years of freedom or even any amount of time, like say sccuess doesn't come cheap and you have to pay for it with your hard work. At the end, I did feel inspired but if you trhow in that next little bit it could be even better. Sentence 2 could be reworded kind of like "one night that lives disstninctly in my eyes was when I spent hours..." your paper is kid of long, maybe since your experience story is really long you could cut a little out. I'm sorry I can't be more specific but I dont want to mess it up for you.

2. Not to repetitive at all. It adds to the value of the paper. I was very inspired. I look up to people like your parents. You hooked me and I want to read the whole paper. You connected well with your readers. I elieve the sentence is fire, but you may have to shorten your paper a bit. I love how you use your parents advice "work hard & you will succedd" in your daily life, also, the emotion is there and very strong.

3. I really enjoyed your paper and it was really interesting. I liked the repetitiveness. It kept digging in your point and got it across. I was really inspired by your story and you did a really good job in connecting with the reader. To reduce the word count, maybe summarize each paragraph. A few sentences, you might find, aren't really that important. I made a mark in paragraph 3, which might help the flow of the sentence. I understood it, but maybe that could help. The intro caught my attention and I really enjoyed your paper.

NEXT DRAFT WITH PROFESSOR REVIEW

True Achievement

18 years. To any regular American, 18 years marks the amount of time that it takes a child to fully become an “adult”. They think of freedom. Coincidently, when I hear 18 years I also think of freedom; but I’m not talking about growing up, I’m talking about literal freedom. It was 18 years ago that my family moved from Haiti to the United States, and although I was only three when it happened, it has impacted me just the same. (I like that you are making this distinction here. It's an interesting point and it should draw readers into your story)

Growing up, I watched my parents struggle to make a life for themselves in a country that was, at first, completely foreign. We came to America with no money, clothes, family, (should you also repeat "no" before these two things since you do it with the other two?) and no prospects. To me, it was an adventure. To my parents however, it was a battle. (Great!) Here they were beginning a new life with absolutely no clue where to start. They did not speak the language and were completely alone, but they did not let this stop them. They came into this country with a mindset that they still carry with them today: if you work hard, you will succeed. I have seen this motto play out time and time again growing up. Both my parents worked two jobs and went to school- my mom working at two different McDonald’s and my dad as a factory worker and janitor. They were, simultaneously, going to school to study nursing and learning English.

As the years went by and I started to become a pre-teen, I became increasingly angry. The hurt I felt towards my parents for what I saw as abandonment began to turn into bitterness. I would lash out and rebel, anything to get their attention. I refused to talk to them and tried to make their lives even harder than it already was, something that I would come to regret later. (Why?) But even this did not stop my parents. They simply looked at my behavior as a speed bump to a victorious life. 

Finally, as I became a teenager I noticed a change in my parents. They were working less, smiling more, and spending more money. 10 years after coming to America they were finally at a place of peace. They had nursing degrees, steady jobs, and a house of their own. To them, they had truly achieved the American dream. This is why I believe in hard work. If you set your mind to a goal and work towards it endlessly, no one can tell you you can’t. I have seen my parents achieve something that seems impossible to most people. I have seen them persevere through everything in order to come out victors; and now, I am seeing myself follow in their footsteps. When I see my future, I don’t see any boundaries, and I especially don’t see any challenge that I cannot overcome. When I see my future I smile as I think of one thing: if I work hard, I will succeed. (I like this ending, but I am getting bogged down in the wording and the punctuation. Is there another way that you could phrase or set up this sentence? Could you bring back the idea of 18 years from the beginning of the essay? It may make the reader feel as if she has come full circle with the essay)

(Laure,

I really enjoyed reading your essay and I think that you did a great job with it. I especially like that you are playing with language, making comparisons, and using parallel structure. I think that your essay could be even strong if you draw out your reflection on hard work at the end of the essay. If this is your overall believe, then you want to make sure you spend some time with it. Overall, I think that you did a great job and I look forward to reading your next draft.

KA) 

FINAL DRAFT

True Achievement

18 years. To any regular American, 18 years marks the amount of time that it takes a child to fully become an “adult”. They think of freedom. Coincidently, when I hear 18 years I also think of freedom; but I’m not talking about growing up, I’m talking about literal freedom. It was 18 years ago that my family moved from Haiti to the United States, and although I was only three when it happened, it has impacted me just the same.

Growing up, I watched my parents struggle to make a life for themselves in a country that was, at first, completely foreign. We came to America with no money, no clothes, no family, and no prospects. To me, it was an adventure. To my parents however, it was a battle. Here they were beginning a new life with absolutely no clue where to start. They did not speak the language and were completely alone, but they did not let this stop them. They came into this country with a mindset that they still carry with them today: if you work hard, you will succeed. I have seen this motto play out time and time again growing up. Both my parents worked two jobs and went to school- my mom working at two different McDonald’s and my dad as a factory worker and janitor. They were, simultaneously, going to school to study nursing and learning English.

 

As the years went by and I started to become a pre-teen, I became increasingly angry. The hurt I felt towards my parents for what I saw as abandonment began to turn into bitterness. I would lash out and rebel, anything to get their attention. I refused to talk to them and tried to make their lives even harder than it already was. But even this did not stop my parents. They simply looked at my behavior as a speed bump to a victorious life. 

Finally, as I became a teenager I noticed a change in my parents. They were working less, smiling more, and spending more money. 10 years after coming to America they were finally at a place of peace. They had nursing degrees, steady jobs, and a house of their own. To them, they had truly achieved the American dream. This is why I believe in hard work. If you set your mind to a goal and work towards it endlessly, no one can tell you can’t. I have seen my parents achieve something that seems impossible to most people. I have seen them persevere through everything in order to come out victors; and now, I am seeing myself follow in their footsteps. When I see my future, I don’t see any boundaries, and I especially don’t see any challenge that I cannot overcome. When I see my future I smile because I know the 18 years of struggle that we have conquered as a family is just the beginning.